‘The Addict’ – Anne Sexton #5

Sleepmonger, deathmonger, with capsules in my palms each night, eight at a time from sweet pharmaceutical bottles I make arrangements for a pint-sized journey.
I’m the queen of this condition.
I’m an expert on making the trip and now they say I’m an addict.

Now they ask why.
WHY!
Don’t they know that I promised to die!
I’m keping in practice.
I’m merely staying in shape.
The pills are a mother, but better, every color and as good as sour balls.
I’m on a diet from death.

Yes, I admit it has gotten to be a bit of a habit- blows eight at a time, socked in the eye, hauled away by the pink, the orange, the green and the white goodnights.
I’m becoming something of a chemical mixture.

That’s it!
My supply of tablets has got to last for years and years.
I like them more than I like me.
It’s a kind of marriage.
It’s a kind of war where I plant bombs inside of myself.

Yes I try to kill myself in small amounts, an innocuous occupatin.
Actually I’m hung up on it.
But remember I don’t make too much noise.
And frankly no one has to lug me out and I don’t stand there in my winding sheet.
I’m a little buttercup in my yellow nightie eating my eight loaves in a row and in a certain order as in the laying on of hands or the black sacrament.
It’s a ceremony but like any other sport it’s full of rules.
It’s like a musical tennis match where my mouth keeps catching the ball.

Then I lie on; my altar elevated by the eight chemical kisses.
What a lay me down this is with two pink, two orange, two green, two white goodnights.

Fee-fi-fo-fum-
Now I’m borrowed.
Now I’m numb.

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